Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Hide Your Stash

In an effort to find my perfect look, I've been experimenting, from month to month, with different facial hairstyles. I tried going clean-shaven, I tried clean-shaven with sideburns, I tried a full beard, a chin beard, the horseshoe, burnies, burnies with a doorknob, and most recently, a pencil or maybe it’s a pussy tickler, I’m not sure which.

Thankfully, I can always rely upon the honest opinions of my good friends and co-workers about which look is best for me. While attending the last Live Wire rehearsal, sporting my latest facial hair, a look I thought to be charming, amusing and sophisticated, I was greeted with these helpful comments:

"Did you lose a bet?"

"Are you trying to look like a child molester?"

And my personal favorite,

"Did you really think your face was the one to bring back the glory of the moustache for the rest of the male population?"

That afternoon I found myself in a bar nursing a beer and wondering, was there no one ready to embrace the splendor of my moustache?

Just then a woman came over and sat on the barstool next to me. "I love your cookie duster," she said.

My despair evaporated! I raised my head, smiling and turned to the angel who spoke those words! She was haggard, with bright red lipstick poorly applied and covering most of her chin. Powder blue eye shadow was smeared across her forehead and when she smiled I could see dark yellow stains covering her few remaining teeth.

"Yep," she said. "Nothing I like better than the feel of a cookie duster on my keister. If you know what I mean."

"I'm afraid I do," I replied in horror. "Thank you for the compliment madam, but I don't want to be anywhere near your cookie if it's been sitting around long enough to gather dust." Then I ran from the bar screaming.

I shaved as soon as I got home, but I kept the moustache, it's in a box at the back of my closet and someday when the world is ready, I will wear it proudly.

1 comment:

patsypalooza said...

uh. muh. guh!

now i have to go clean the coffee off my keyboard. thanks a lot, jonpaul!!!